Thursday, June 28, 2012

Not Here - Friday Fictioneer

It's Friday Fictioneer time. I have my flash fiction down to 93-words. Would appreciate any comments and constructive critiques. Thank you!


“She’s not here!” I shout to those around me. They murmur in consent and regroup for another location. Another direction.  Another day to go by without her.

She’s not here

The wild bushes lush with berries, ripe and heavy, were left untouched. 

She’s not here to taste them. To stain her fingers and draw a moan of joy from her lips - 

It’s been three days and the woods beyond the raspberry patch stretches beyond my reach. 

She’s beyond my reach. 

How long can she survive out there?   
How long will I without her?


13 comments:

  1. Very poignant. Absence. My story's on the list.

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  2. Yes, the feeling of unexplained loss really rings out from this piece - I want to know more!

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  3. Desperation and loneliness run through the story. There's also a hint of poetry.

    http://logo-ligi.com/2012/06/28/w-m-d/

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  4. Oh, that's a little scary and intriguing and sad. Very nice take on the prompt. http://kaitlinandmichaelbranch.com/2012/06/29/friday-fictioneers-8/

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  5. I wnat to know more! Click here to read mine: http://oldentimes.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/friday-fictioneers-collecting-jewels/

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  6. Excellent take on the prompt. I'm curious as to what happened to her in the first place. I'm left with many questions.
    Mine: http://adamickes.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/berry-tester/

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  7. A poignant and well written story of loss, pain and anguish. I believe there is a word missing from the last line. Do check it out please. Mine is here and linked: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/fridayfictioneers-seduction/

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  8. aww. Very nice emotion. Heartfelt. Great job on this.
    mine/; http://niftitalks.com/2012/06/28/scarlet-lady/

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  9. Very nicely written, and I like the juxtaposition of outer thought/dialogue with the inner realisations.
    Thanks for your comment on ours. :)

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  10. Oh this sounds like a child gone missing. So sad and the lushness of the fruit only magnifies the absence. Great work.

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  11. Very nicely written - emotional. Since you asked for feedback you might like to look at the last line - I think the word 'be' might be missing from before 'without'.
    You can read mine here: http://worksbyclaire.wordpress.com/2012/06/30/100-word-story-the-blackberry/

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  12. Well done, so much emotion, of so many shades.

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  13. Well done! I especially loved the line, "She's not here to taste them." It paints the perfect image of loss. Thanks for sharing that!

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